Funny Foto #26

By Michael Seese

The other day I was coming back from Columbus, and stopped at a Duke gas station, with the Duchess mini-mart. This was a sign in the window.

If you drink a gallon of this stuff, you deserve way more that $0.02 off.

Just my 2 cents.

Rivets & Rain Goodreads Giveaway

By Michael Seese

Free books! What could be better? 

I am giving away two paperback copies and two e-copies (Kindle, Nook, or even PDF) of A Clockworks Orchard: Rivets & Rain, which features my short story, "Never Mind The Nonsense, Here's The Sex Truncheons."

The physical books are via a Goodreads giveaway. So if you're interested in one of those, click on the image link below.

Goodreads Book Giveaway

A Clockworks Orchard

by Michael Seese

Giveaway ends August 22, 2012.

See the giveaway details
at Goodreads.

Enter to win

To win a chance at the e-books:

1. Follow me.
2. Leave a comment or send me a note indicating that you have followed me. (Make sure I have some way of getting in touch.)

3. Existing followers can refer a friend. Have that person say, "I was referred by <Your Name> and you both will be entered."

Both giveaways run through August 22.

Otter!

By Michael Seese

Without super-agent Janet Reid and her 100-word contests, I might completely forget about writing flash fiction. But, she periodically whacks her followers on the head with a new one. 

Today, in honor of a book deal for deal for Sam Garton, author and illustrator of the Otter picture books...

she announced a contest to win his first book.

The words:

- Otter

- Toast

- Fan

- Bouncing

- Trap

Here is my entry, "The Hunted"

There I dangled, bouncing up and down. At least I had the piece of toast clenched between my teeth. A small consolation prize. But I was hungry. If only I had some marmalade.

I was in a jam. The hunter, now the hunted.

I wondered what was to be my fate. A hat? A throw rug? Or just a grotesque trophy hanging on some den wall?

If I had paid more attention in Latin class, I would have understood One-Eyed Pete’s warning: Cosi fan mustelidae. "Thus do all otters."

Who knew the little buggers could set their own traps?

Feel free to share your thoughts on "The Hunted," or Janet Reid, or otters, I suppose.

More Job Humor

By Michael Seese

As I've mentioned in previous posts, sometimes I find a lot of humor in my work as an infosec and privacy pro.

For example, a few days ago I received my copy of the "ABA Bank Risk News." (In this case, ABA stands for American Bankers' Association.) Under the header of "Bank Robbery Roundup" were the following headlines.

FBI and area police seek information leading to arrest of 'bearded bandit'.
'AK-47 Bandit' who shot Chino officer tied to three bank robberies..
Fresno's 'Smelly Bandit' pleads no contest in bank robberies.. 
'Baseball Babe Bandit' sought in bank heists.
‘Bucket List Bandit’ robs 4th bank.
Police: Female bandit caught after robbing 4th bank.
‘Bad hair bandit’ faces 21 bank robbery charges.
‘Ball Cap Bandit’, another person arrested for Germantown bank robbery.
‘Wicker Park Bandit’ pleads guilty to bank robberies.

A few of these merited further investigation, and then comment.

For example, in the "Baseball Babe" story was the passage, "During the incidents, the woman hands the teller a demand note and threatens the bank employees. After receiving money, she has been seen leaving on a bicycle, officials said."

On a bicycle? And they can't catch her? 


Or consider the "Bucket List Bandit." "Whinham said a man walked into a Wells Fargo branch July 6 and had a note ordering the teller not to mess with him and to hand over a specific amount of money. The note also said he had just four months to live. The man's claim that he's dying hasn't been confirmed by police."

What is wrong with the police in Roy, Utah that they can't tell whether a man that they haven't caught yet is lying about a terminal condition?


Finally, there is the "Bad Hair Bandit." The picture does show very bad hair. (It's a wig, though.) What intrigued me were the opening two paragraphs: "A registered nurse suspected in a string of multi-state bank robberies in 2011 was arraigned on 21 counts of robbery counts in Sacramento federal court Friday. Cynthia Lynn Van Holland, 48, described by prosecutors as a transient from Washington and Idaho, was caught on Interstate 80 minutes after a bank hold-up in Auburn last August."


Whoever heard of a transient registered nurse?

This stuff is almost as good as the "stupid robber" stories...you know, the ones where a guy hands the teller a note written on the back of an appointment reminder from his parole officer. 

Feel free to share any dumb criminal stories you've heard.

The Bigger They Come #2

By Michael Seese

In February, I reported on the plight of a Hollywood (and Tatooine) icon who had been reduced to shilling soda at a local gas station.

Today, at the same station, I saw another celebrity who apparently is strapped for cash as well.

At least I don't have to worry about being mugged when I buy gas here.

Distractions

By Michael Seese

Boy! Time does fly when you're busy.

Back in 2009, I conceived and began work on a book of interrelated short stories, No Strings Attached. I worked on it piecemeal -- filling in sentences and paragraphs here and there, based on whim -- for about a year. Then in the summer of 2010, I focused in and worked on it diligently. The end result was that I completed three of the seven stories; my word count went from 40,000 to over 100,000.

At the beginning of 2011, I decided to take a break from it, and worked on a few other things: Udopia, which I finished, and Nightmares, which I finished. I also wrote a few short stories.

Earlier this year, I resumed work on No Strings. I was making decent progress, but then a few other projects came up: "Worm Herding," "Never Mind The Nonsense, Here's The Sex Truncheons," "Tinkerhell," plus a few others I'm keeping under wraps. The first two have been published (Amazon link 1 & 2); the third is being reviewed. So it's not as though these distractions are bad. Quite the contrary, I think they've been worthwhile detours which have helped my writing resume.

But...

Yesterday, I went back to No Strings, and was amazed to see that the last time I had touched it was April 19. But I'm looking forward to continuing it, because the story I'm on now, "Obsession," is really funny.

Like I said, time does fly.

If At First...Again

By Michael Seese

In a previous post, I recounted some wins and some losses. One of the losses was my poem "Love Is Not..." which I had submitted to Cleveland radio station WCLV as part of their Valentine poetry contest. It didn't even place in the top 10.

Undaunted, I submitted it in March to Forward Poetry (in the UK) for their Aspects Of Love compilation.

And it has been accepted!

Since you might not be in the mood to order a book of poetry from across the pond (though I'm not going to stop you) here it is:

Love Is Not ...
Love is not
Kind nor true,
Blind nor blue,
Breathless nor endless,
Fair nor doux.

It is not
All you need,
Sown as a seed,
Nor a banquet on which we feed.

It does not
Make you complete,
Nor make your heart beat.

But when love can give and bend, be strong and heal,
Those are the words which make love real.
The book should be out by October.

To quote Galaxy Quest, "Never give up. Never surrender."

So when did you never give up, or never surrender, and come out on top? Feel free to share.

Funny Foto #25 1/2

By Michael Seese

In my last post, I made fun of a targeted ad for a writing degree program, which featured a cheesy picture of a guy sitting at a laptop, ostensibly typing his masterpiece, wearing a stupid beret.

They must have read that entry, and realized the error of their ways, as this is the ad-- for the same school -- I received today.

I have to say, though, I'm not too crazy about the scarf. The bags under the eyes are pretty accurate, though.

What do you think?

Funny Foto #25

By Michael Seese

In a previous post, I mentioned a daily e-newsletter that I receive which features a (supposedly) targeted ad. The other day, I received this one, which either is a lucky guess, or accurately targeted, since I am a writer.

But seriously, could they have picked a cheesier, more stereotypical picture?

I think I will give my wife explicit instructions that if she ever walks in the office and sees me wearing a black beret, she is to hit me on the head repeatedly with the unabridged dictionary.

You all have my permission as well.

"Torn Between Two..."

By Michael Seese

... with all apologies to those of you who will now have that sappy 70s song in your head, I read something the other day which, to be honest, leaves me with mixed feelings.

Here is a link to the Wall Street Journal article titled, "Your E-Book Is Reading You"

It's an interesting, short piece. I would suggest you check it out. But the main point is this. If you use an e-reader -- a Kindle or a Nook -- then you obviously know that Amazon or Barnes & Noble are aware of the fact that you downloaded, for example, The Hunger Games.

But did you realize:

- If you read The Hunger Games in a single eight-hour sitting, they know.

- If you read the first ten pages of The Da Vinci Code, and then stop reading, they know.

- If you bookmark or highlight a passage, they know.

The privacy professional in me rates this about a "10" on the "creep-o-meter."

But the author in me thinks, Hmmm. I can't help but be intrigued by comments like "Pinpointing the moment when readers get bored could also help publishers create splashier digital editions by adding a video, a Web link or other multimedia features" and "If you can find out that a book is too long and you've got to be more rigorous in cutting, personally I'd love to get the information."

Hmmm.

Did you know about this?

What do you think?

Please share your thoughts.

Celebrating Our Indep...Um..What Was It Again?

By Michael Seese

A quick-hitter for the holiday...

My employer's intranet site includes a survey to gauge our opinions on a -- usually -- light topic, such as "Where are you going this summer?" or "Who do you think will win the Super Bowl?"

Yesterday, in honor of the Fourth Of July, they presented a "brain teaser."

Here are the results.

I can only hope that 39% of my colleagues were being facetious.

And have a great 4th everyone.

Good Day / Bad Day

By Michael Seese

So first the bad: I received a rejection for the new and improved Nightmares. Bummer.

Now the good...

My first foray into steampunk (as a contributing author) is out. A Clockworks Orchard: Rivets & Rain is available on Amazon. And I am (ahem) the first author listed.

The publisher was nice enough to send me (and all contributors) a coupon for five free downloads from Smashwords. As soon as I figure out how to use them, I'll create a giveaway.

But in the meantime, stop by Amazon and write a glowing review...regardless of whether you've read it. And while you're at it, do the same at Goodreads.

Just kidding.

Sort of.

By the way, have a happy and safe Fourth of July everyone.