Tuesday, May 26, 2020

Janet Flash: Eggasperation

by Michael Seese

With the world on lockdown, what is there to do? For some, re-discovering the joy of cooking is an option. Or learning something new about cooking, like "How To Boil Water." (Correctly, being the issue, I suppose.)

Super agent Janet Reid, an avowed lover of the 101 Things I Learned... series, decided to create a flash fiction contest to mark the Second Edition of 101 Things I Learned in Culinary School. (Ergo, the aforementioned boiling water reference.)





















The recipe called for us to use:

bread
chef

egg
knife
salt


in a 100-word short story. I wanted to split up chef, and tried ideas like "the leech effect." But I couldn't come up with anything around that, or other word combos. So finally, while walking the dog late Saturday night I came up with "eggsistential," and used that to write "Eggasperation."


Both my coffee cup and stomach effiercingly barren, I willed my eyes to force down the next stale morsel of "knowledge."


"Jean-Paul Salt, a close friend of Francis Bacon, examines man's true eggsistential dilemma in his classic work..."


My red pen adorned and scorned the top of the page with a scarlet letter F.


"Consider Occam's Butter Knife, a bread-and-grape-jelly example of…"


I rubbed my own bleary eyes, and dashed off a quick missive. 


Dear Dean HAMmond,
I would like to respectfully request that, going forward, the university schedule Philosophy 101 at some time other than 8:00 a.m.



How about you? What new skills are you learning these days?

Sunday, April 19, 2020

Janet Flash: The Name Of The Game

by Michael Seese

So, how do we pass the time during these days of social isolation in the name of contagion containment? For many, reading is an escape.

(For me, it's writing and keeping the kids up to date on their homework.)

For literary Janet Reid, it's A LOT OF reading. As she said in her blog: 

I've read 18 Dick Francis novels in the last seven days. All of them were familiar friends and it was like taking a rest cure to dive back in. Reality just slipped away for four or five hours a night.

So from that book-binge came a contest. Craft a story using:

Banker
Risk
Forfeit
Proof
Nerve


I wanted to come up with a fun way to split "banker." Once I did, most of the story fell into place. And once I came up with the punchline, "The Name Of The Game" was done. 


Their furtive glances. The fidgets in cold folding metal chairs. Proof that they, like me, craved change. But they held their tongues, afraid to forfeit the silence, the anonymity.

"It's an open forum," I began. "Let's brainstorm."


"I spend my life feeding some monopoly. The electric company. The water works."


"I'm not cut out for surgery. I always touch a nerve during an operation." 


"We should ban KerPlunk! And Risk. They're Satan's tools."


Confusion overruled diplomacy.


"What are you people talking about?" I snapped.


KerPlunk Lady held up my flyer. 


Hmmm. 

Perhaps I erred in calling it simply "Game Changers."


How about you all? How are you spending your time these days?

Sunday, March 22, 2020

Janet Flash: Words

by Michael Seese

To stave off the current world malaise, super agent Janet Reid decided to cheer us with a flash fiction contest.  In her own words, she needed to "wrap my head around the new reality, which we hope is temporary of course, and flailing about." 

To that end we had to incorporate:

froward (not a typo)
lathe
spring
bask
hash 

in a 100-word story.

"Froward," which I had to look up, means tending toward disobedience. I immediately had an image of a little boy, sitting in the Principal's office, awaiting punishing. And the rest of "Words" just jumped out.

My eight-year-old feet, well short of the floor, kicked only air as she talked about me in absentia, despite my presence.

"As has happened too often, his froward antics disrupted the class." Sister Scissor-Tongue liked big words. Even the ones she only pretended to know. "I question, and I'm certain you and Caleb ask, how he could be your offspring." 

I didn't even merit a name.

Clearly, she didn't grasp the ease with which sharp words can lathe a young soul. Shape it. Etch it.

Mar it.

I think of Sister Scissor-Tongue each and every time the needle finds vein.


I'm not sure from whence this darkness came. But I have to say, I'm rather fond of some of the language, specifically the opening sentence and the name "Sister Scissor-Tongue."

How about you? How are you coping with the new world order?




Tuesday, March 17, 2020

The Nigerian NFL SPAM!

by Michael Seese

It's been a while since I've posted anything in the infosec or BCP space. I've been a tad preoccupied of late with that whole "author thing." But just like rainstorms bring out the earthworms, calamities bring out the cockroaches. And with the Coronavirus scare / hoopla taking over EVERYTHING, I'm sure the email below is the first of many con jobs I'll see. So I thought it would be a good idea to hold class again on SPAM Detection 101. 

Of course, this lame attempt at SPAM is so funny, it's almost beyond belief. There are so many things wrong with it. (In fact there should be a contest. See if you can find any obvious holes that I missed, and post them as comments.) 

And, yes, I realize that the image may intrude on the standard blog info to the right. But I wanted you to be able to read it. 

























First and foremost, it's an easy Google search to confirm there's nobody named John Blair who plays in the NFL. 

First-and-a-half, if he's 20, he's probably not IN the NFL. And unless he was a coveted high draft pick (see point #1) he's not worth $4.6 million.

Second, he's American. I'm American. Why does he feel compelled to specify USD? 

Third, if he accessing his email, offering his largess to a random stranger, I'm gonna go out on a limb and say he's probably not in the ICU and dying.

Third-and-a-half, if I only had a "couple of days left," I'm not sure I'd take "a little time to make up my mind."  

Those are just a few of things I just see when I read emails like this. But it's second nature to me. I share this because it might not be second nature to everyone.

How about y'all? Anything else I missed, aside from bad grammar? (But, hey, he's an NFL player.... right?)

If you're looking for tips on how to avoid SPAM and myriad other infosec gotchas, pick up a copy of Scrappy Information Security

Stay safe!

Stay Scrappy!  


Sunday, February 23, 2020

Janet Flash: Bard From Flying

by Michael Seese

Still giddy from reading not one, but two ARCs by author Allison Montclair, super agent Janet Reid created a contest with both books (The Right Sort Of Man and A Royal Affair) as the prize. 





 



































Paying homage to the author and title, we were to craft a story using the words:

Mont
Clair
Royal
Affair
Spark

I wanted to use "Mont" in some form of "I'm on the..." I settled on the idea of being on a plane. At first, I had my antagonist be an old lady with knitting needles. Then I came up with the "punchline," and the rest fell into place. 


What a day.

One minute, I'm on the plane, fingernails etching trenches into the armrests of 22B. The next, I'm sweating in a Turkish prison.

A little ├ęclaircissement...

Despite my fear of flying, I booked a midsummer dream vacation to Rome. All was copacetic, until some fancy-pants parked his royal attitude in 22C and pulled out a quill pen the size of a javelin. I freaked, and slapped his shiny pate with a partially eaten Twixt Bard.

And to think, the whole affair could have been avoided had I remembered Shakespeare's words.

22B, or not 22B: that is the question.


I have to say, I'm quite proud of myself for working Shakespeare and Airplane! into the same 100-word story. 


Saturday, February 22, 2020

Funny Foto #80

by Michael Seese

It's been a while since I posted any photos. I guess nothing of late has tickled my absurdity bone. Until the other week, shopping at Target.




 





















(If it's a little hard to read because of the glare, they're gloves you wear when applying tanning lotion so the palms of your hands don't get bronzed.) 

Call me old, but I remember a time this product simply wasn't needed.


Monday, February 3, 2020

Janet Flash: "Clowning Around"

by Michael Seese

Boy, it's been a while since I've done ANYTHING here. But, you know.... Christmas. Then a three-week bout with illness. Then buying a new car. Not to mention that family thing.

But to celebrate February (NOT FebYOOary) Janet gave us another contest to commemorate Barbara Poelle's wonderful new book Funny You Should Ask. Our mission. To write 100 words using:

fierce
funny
first
flare
fervent


I had a busy day Friday AND Saturday, but managed to squeak out "Clowning Around."


"The first rule of clownage. Be funny," Tooty said, pulling a rubber chicken, and a live chicken, from his roadside-flare red hair disaster.

"Be funny. Got it."

I scribbled fervently, capturing his words of fooldom on a page torn from Clowning For Dummies, aka the Bible Of Buffoonery. Being that today was my first day on the job, I couldn't make an ass of my... The point being, competition for these gigs is fierce. Guys literally fall over themselves to snag one.

"Okay, what's the second rule?"

"Be unpredictable," Tooty said, delivering my diploma via a pie to the face.



I'm not 100% happy with the ending, but I ran out of energy long about 1:40 Sunday, when I posted it. We'll see what Janet thinks tomorrow.